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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #451
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    Paddy stops by the pub on the way home from the doctor.
    "What's the matter?" Seamus asks as he walks in.
    Paddy replies: "I haven't been feeling meself recently."
    "Good!" says Seamus. "That was a nasty little habit you had!"
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  2. #452
    Scott Grayson
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    "Bad news, Your Majesty - It's a cyberattack!"
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  3. #453
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    - - - Updated - - -

    An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

    I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

    No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression" Again, all was quiet.

    Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train stood from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

    The preacher fell to his knees, and the congregation roared.

    That dear readers is when the fight started!

  4. #454
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    A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the
    other if there is sex after death.
    Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
    After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
    Then the first contact was made.
    ... "Marion ... Marion "
    "Is that you, Bob?"
    "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
    "That's wonderful! What's it like?"
    "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off
    to the golf course.
    I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more
    times.
    Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the
    golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
    After supper, it's back to golf course again.
    Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then
    the next day it starts all over again"
    "Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

















    "No............I'm a rabbit in Arizona now

  5. #455
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    A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"
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  6. #456
    Scott Grayson
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    Quote Originally Posted by daveg View Post
    A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"
    Too funny! Thanks for the laugh!
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  7. #457
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    rolled into a Sports bar dressed as a tennis ball last night.

    Got served straight away.

  8. #458
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    Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car,

    A passing soldier assures her that he can help.

    She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, ......

    Rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

    Magically it opens.......

    "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

    "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis".

  9. #459
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    A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist's office. Doctor asked, "What can I do for you"?
    Man : "Will you watch us having sex"?
    Dr looked puzzled, but agreed.
    When the couple finished, the Dr said "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex" , & charged them $50.
    This happened for several weeks. The couple would make an appointment, have sex without problems, pay the Dr, then leave.
    Finally, the Dr asked, "Just what, exactly, are you trying to find out?"
    "Nothing", replied the man. "She's married, so we can't go to her place. I'm married, so we can't use my house. Holiday Inn charges $90, the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50. And I get $43 back from Medicare.

  10. #460
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    Saw a couple signs at a restaurant this weekend that I thought were funny:

    Never try to teach a pig to sing. It is a waste of your time and it annoys the pig!

    Sometimes I wake up grumpy...and sometimes I let her sleep!

  11. #461
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    One day, a blind bunny rabbit and a blind snake bumped into each other in the forest. The bunny was naturally honest and said he was blind and that he did not know what type of animal he was. The bunny asked the snake to feel what he looks like and let him know.
    So the snake wraps his body all around the bunny and says: "your body is soft and furry and you have long ears".
    The snake released him and the bunny hops up and down and says "that is great - I must be a bunny rabbit!!!!"
    As the bunny started to leave the snake says "Wait! Can you please feel my body and tell me what I am?"
    So the bunny starts to feel the snakes body all over with his soft bunny paws. The bunny says "your skin is cold and slimy." After more feeling, the bunny says "I can't tell your head from your ass!"
    The snake says "Oh no! That means I must be a lawyer!"

  12. #462
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