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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #76
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    Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

    Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.

    It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

    Rumour has it though, it can be a real bi##h to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

    New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

    Used models may initially appear to have kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the kerb weight typically increases with age.

    Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

    This model is not expected to reach collector status.

    Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.

  2. #77
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    I went to the supermarket, and swapped 100 raisins for 50 sultanas. The currant exchange rate is terrible.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting that he can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
    "Mommy, mommy! I was at the playground, and daddy and..."

    Mommy tells him to slow down, and that she wants to hear the story.

    So Johnny tells her: "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

    At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

    At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

    He describes the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and... "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.

  3. #78
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    Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers. One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida ...

    The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
    The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."
    The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
    The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

    The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.

    She wrote: "Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
    "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
    "Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
    "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."
    Love, Mama

  4. #79
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    The Internet has become too politically correct. What's all this nonsense about disabled cookies? In my day, they were called broken biscuits

  5. #80
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    Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
    Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
    Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.
    Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

  6. #81
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    Too funny! Not sure where you get all these - but keep them coming!!!!!

  7. #82
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    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to....'
    'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
    'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
    'Well, that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
    After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
    'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
    'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
    'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
    'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
    'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
    'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
    'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
    'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
    'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
    'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
    'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
    'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
    'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
    'Tripod?'
    'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
    Mrs. Smith fainted!!!

  8. #83
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    I got stopped on the sidewalk today, a lady was conducting a survey.
    "What do you know about dwarfs?" She asked.
    "Very little." I replied.

  9. #84
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    A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

    She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

    He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

    So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
    One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

    After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

    She said, 'That was incredible!'

    He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

    So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

    He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
    'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in New Orleans but I worked both sides of the Mississippi River'

  10. #85
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    My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

    Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

    "Sorry it took so long but the stupid b###h was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not s##t in the vegetable garden again."

    The silence in the taxi was deafening.....

  11. #86
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    The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic......

    Paramedics said he could have done with another coat......

  12. #87
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    As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

    I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

    I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

    And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

    As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

    Apparently, I’m still lost…

    - - - Updated - - -

    An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

    It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

    One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"

    Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

    "What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."

    "Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"

    God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."

    Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?

  13. #88
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    One dark night in the small town of Mossman , FNQ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames.
    The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

    When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, ' All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the centre of the plant.
    They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me. '

    But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off.
    Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate.
    As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.

    Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.
    It was the fire engine of the nearby Boonga, Boonga volunteer fire department composed mainly of Aboriginal fire-fighters over the age of 65.
    To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Aboriginal fire-fighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

    Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Aboriginal old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives.
    Within a short time, the Boonga Boonga old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

    The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Aboriginal fire-fighters.

    A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film.
    The ' on camera ' reporter asked the Aboriginal fire chief, ' What are you going to do with all that money? '
    'Well, ' said Chief Willy, the 70-year-old fire chief, ' De furst ting we gonnna do is fix dem brakes on dat f-in ' fire truck!! '

  14. #89
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    Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man. “You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”

    “Ah, that’s nothing’,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing’ comes out!”

    “Actually,” said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”

    “Do you have trouble peeing, too?” asked the 60-year old.

    “No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock. No problem at all.”

    “So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?”

    “No, I have one every morning at 6:30.”

    Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, “You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so bad about being 80?”

    “I don’t wake up until 7:00!!


 
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