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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #51
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    Woman goes to doctors with her rear end stuck in a toilet seat. She says to doctor, "Ever seen anything like this before?"

    Doctor replies, "Plenty of times, but never in a frame"

  2. #52
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    A beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable patch, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbour's garden, which had beautiful, bright-red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired what his secret was.
    "It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."
    Desperate for the perfect tomatoes, she took his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants, twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbour stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked. "Any luck with the tomatoes?"
    "No," she replied excitedly. "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"

  3. #53
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    good one!

  4. #54
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    Food on an Irish Airline... Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Dublin, the lead flight attendant for the Aer Lingus cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement...

    "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up, just minutes prior to takeoff, by our airport catering service.

    I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals were delivered to the plane. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.

    When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued... "Anyone who would be kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free,
    unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5-hour flight."


    Her next announcement came 90 minutes later... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."

  5. #55
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  6. #56
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    Here kitty kitty!

  7. #57
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    Love the photo and South Africa is a lot like that - you look in all directions and suddenly become aware there is an animal staring at you! And not in a friendly way!!!

  8. #58
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    One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!”

    His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

    The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. “What the Hell is this?” He said to himself as a little “dust” cloud appeared when he shook them out.

    “April,” he hollered into the bathroom, “why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”

    She replied with a snicker, “It’s not talcum powder It’s ‘Miracle Grow!’”

  9. #59
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    Ho ho - touche'!

  10. #60
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  11. #61
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    A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

    "Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

    "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

    "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

    The homeless man was astounded "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

    The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

  12. #62
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    Good one! Will definitely share w my friends who golf!

  13. #63
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    A refresher course

    The International Rules of Manhood


    1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

    2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

    (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

    (b) The moment Angelina starts unbuttoning her blouse.

    (c) After wrecking your boss' car.

    (d) When she is using her teeth.

    3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed
    and eaten by his buddies.

    4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
    of jail within 12 hours.

    5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
    limits forever unless you actually marry her.

    6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
    forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

    7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
    man. In fact, remembering your mate’s birthday is strictly optional.

    8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
    weakest.

    9: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score, but you may never ask who's playing.

    10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
    her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
    flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

    11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
    sunning on a tropical beach, it's delivered by a topless model and
    it's free.

    12: Never fight naked.

    13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

    14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

    15: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
    until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
    much as the other sports watchers.

    16: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
    pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

    17: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
    about his choice of beer.

    18: Never talk to a man in the toilet unless you are on equal
    footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
    situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
    need.

    19: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
    than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
    Hang up if necessary.

    20: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
    have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
    guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
    discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

    21: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
    her to drive yours.

    22: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,
    orange or sky blue.

    23: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
    Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of.

    24: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
    Gymnastics. Ever.

    We hope this clears up any confusion.

    The International Council of Manhood, Ltd

  14. #64
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    The Mrs shouted up the stairs this morning, "The sun's finally come out."

    I thought, "Great" go to the beach, beer garden, so I threw some shorts and flip flops on and shot down the stairs, I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Brian.

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    LOL - did not see that one coming!

  16. #66
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    My wife and I went to the Calgary Bull Sale & Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

    'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

    My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

    We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
    ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

    My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

    We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
    'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

    'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
    'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

    I looked at her and said,
    'Go over and ask him if was with the same old cow every time.

    My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

  17. #67
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    Haha!!!!!!! That's hilarious!!!!

  18. #68
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fatboy 18 View Post
    A refresher course

    The International Rules of Manhood


    1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

    2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

    (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

    (b) The moment Angelina starts unbuttoning her blouse.

    (c) After wrecking your boss' car.

    (d) When she is using her teeth.

    3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed
    and eaten by his buddies.

    4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
    of jail within 12 hours.

    5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
    limits forever unless you actually marry her.

    6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
    forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

    7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
    man. In fact, remembering your mate’s birthday is strictly optional.

    8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
    weakest.

    9: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score, but you may never ask who's playing.

    10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
    her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
    flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

    11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
    sunning on a tropical beach, it's delivered by a topless model and
    it's free.

    12: Never fight naked.

    13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

    14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

    15: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
    until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
    much as the other sports watchers.

    16: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
    pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

    17: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
    about his choice of beer.

    18: Never talk to a man in the toilet unless you are on equal
    footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
    situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
    need.

    19: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
    than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
    Hang up if necessary.

    20: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
    have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
    guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
    discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

    21: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
    her to drive yours.

    22: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,
    orange or sky blue.

    23: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
    Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of.

    24: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
    Gymnastics. Ever.

    We hope this clears up any confusion.

    The International Council of Manhood, Ltd
    I would like to amend this to say that a man can cry at the movies "Brian's Song, Field of Dreams, Rudy, Hoosiers."
    Last edited by Vprbite; 07-22-2017 at 02:01 AM.
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  19. #69
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    hehe

  20. #70
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    A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself
    out as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
    neighbourhood.
    She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner If
    he had any odd jobs for her to do.
    "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How
    much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
    The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need
    was in the garage.

    The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
    she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He
    responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I
    guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting
    by e-mail lately.

    A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
    "You've finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde
    replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the
    man reached into his pocket for the $50, and handed it to her.
    "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

  21. #71
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    A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.

    “What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

    “It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

    “I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

    “Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

    “Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

    “Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”

    “Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

    “No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

    “Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.

    “But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

    “So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.

    “Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”

    The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …

    “You missed the fking putt, didn’t you?”

  22. #72
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    Yesterday I spent six hours linking all of my watches together to make a belt

    it was a complete waist of time.

  23. #73
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fatboy 18 View Post
    Yesterday I spent six hours linking all of my watches together to make a belt

    it was a complete waist of time.
    Better watch out with those jokes. Clearly not timeless.

  24. #74
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    One day Trump was walking along with his entourage but, unknown to any of them, a lone sniper lay in wait on a nearby rooftop. He raised his high-calibre rifle, put his eye to the sight and started to squeeze the trigger.

    At the very last moment, one of the bodyguards spotted him. He immediately shouted out. "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!”

    A shot rang out and the president got hit.

    As his aides gathered around the body, one of them said, “What the hell was ‘Mickey Mouse’ all about?”

    'I'm sorry," said the bodyguard, "I meant ‘Donald, duck!’”

  25. #75
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    A woman who had recently been taking golf lessons had just started her first round without her coach when she was stung by a bee.
    Distraught, she returned to the clubhouse and told her coach about the incident.
    "Where did it sting you?" he asked.
    "Between the first and second hole" she replied.

    He shook his head and said:
    "That's your problem right there. You had your feet too far apart!"


 
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