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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #376
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    I met an older woman at a bar last night. OOOH! She looked pretty good for a 60+ year-old In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

    We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

    'What's that?' I asked

    'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

    As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like. I said, 'No, I haven't, but I’d like to.’

    We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'Tonight's your lucky night.'

    We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

    Mom ... you still awake?'

    At that point I realised that I had misunderstood the situation, made my excuses and said goodbye.

    I never heard the shot.

  2. #377
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    A man receives a text message from his neighbour.

    "Frank, I have to admit I've been using your wife, I've been using your wife a lot. At least once a day and night, often for a few hours at a time. When you're there and when you're not around, any time I fancied it really. I'd like to say I'm sorry and I promise to stop".

    A few minutes later he receives another text.

    "Wifi, damn it, I meant Wifi."

  3. #378
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    The wife walked into the lounge last night after getting ready for a night out with her mates and she asked me to rate her looks.

    '8 or 9 at least' I said

    'Out of 10?' she smiled 'Thanks babe I'm really flattered'

    Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant pints!

  4. #379
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    Your on a roll!!

  5. #380
    Have u heard about the Hillary Clinton special being offered at KFC? It comes with two big thighs, two small breasts & a left wing.
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  6. #381
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    God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."

    Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

    God said, "Go down into that valley."

    Adam said, "What's a valley?"

    God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the River."

    Adam said, "What's a river?"

    God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......"

    Adam said, "What is a hill?"

    So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

    He told Adam, On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

    Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

    After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

    Adam said, "What's a woman?'

    So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."

    Adam said, "How do I do that?"

    God first said (under His breath), "Geez...." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

    So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

    In about five minutes, he was back.

    God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

    Adam said "What's a Headache?"

  7. #382
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    A sailor brings his boat up to a restaurant dock to eat lunch.

    The dockhand says, “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t let you dine here today. This establishment has a necktie policy, and you are not wearing one.”

    “Of course I don’t have a tie on,” replied the sailor, “I’m on a boat!”

    “Well, go down below and put one on,” said the dockhand.

    “I don’t HAVE one!” shouted the sailor.

    The dockhand, not wanting to turn away a customer, said: “Well, why don’t you just find something that approximates a tie. That should be OK.”

    After some time, the sailor comes out with a pair of jumper cables. “This is all I could find to put around my neck,” he said.

    Sighing, the deck hand said: “OK, I’ll let you in with those, but just don’t start anything.”

  8. #383
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    In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
    As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

    Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

    Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

    Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

    The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

    Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

  9. #384
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    My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.
    Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!
    That’s the best I’ve done so far.
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  10. #385
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    hehe

  11. #386
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    A man bought a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He wanted to test the robot.
    Dad: Son, come here.
    Son: Dad, what?
    Dad: Where were you yesterday?
    Son: School, of course!
    (Robot slaps the son)
    Son: I'm sorry dad, I went to a movie.
    (Robot slaps the son again)
    Son: I'm sorry dad, I watched porn.
    Dad: When I was of your age, I don't even know what porn is.
    (Robot slaps the dad)
    Mom: After all, he is your son. What else can you expect him to do?
    (Robot slaps the mom hard!)
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  12. #387
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    A middle aged man, recently retired decides to splash out on a Ferrari.

    He takes it out for a spin on the motorway, merrily cruising along at 90, suddenly he hears the sound of a police siren, looks in his mirror and sees a police car approaching with blues and twos on.

    He accelerates to 120 leaving the police car behind.

    Within minutes he hears the familiar sound of a police siren again, looks in the mirror and sees the police car approaching with blues and twos on.

    He accelerates to 160 mph, leaving the police car behind, a few minutes later he hears the familiar sound of the police siren, looks in the morrow and sees the police car approaching with blues and twos on.

    He thought “I am too old for this, so slows down and pulls over”.

    The police car pulls up behind him, the police man approaches the driver and says “Sir, I have had a very long and tiring day, I am off duty in 30 minutes, if I book you it will take me about two hours to complete all the paper work, so if you can give me a good reason why you were speeding, I may think about letting you off”

    The man says “I am very sorry, but 10 years ago my wife ran off with a policeman and I thought you were bringing her back”

  13. #388
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    Car breaks down driver pulls onto the hard shoulder. Another car pulls up behind him, driver gets out and asks if he can be of any assistance.

    Guy says "What do you know about cars"

    "Nothing", he says "I am a chiropodist"

    Guy says "Well give can you give me a tow"

  14. #389
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    Roger Hill and his new wife, Betty are vacationing in Europe, near Transylvania. They drive in a rental car along a rather Deserted highway. It is late, raining very hard and Roger can barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control. Roger attempts to control it, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree..

    Moments later, Roger shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees Betty unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Roger knows he has to get her medical assistance.

    He carefully picks her up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light and heads towards it, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A small, hunched man opens the door.
    Roger blurts, “Hello, my name is Roger Hill and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone ?”
    “I’m sorry,” replies the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in, and I will get him.” Roger brings his wife in.

    An older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had some basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”

    With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Roger following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Roger collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Roger on an adjoining table.

    After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Roger and Betty Hill are no more.

    The Hills’ deaths upsets Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. It is here that he has always found solace and he begins to play. A stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

    Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Roger’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat. He is further amazed as Betty and Roger both sit up straight ! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

    He bursts in and shouts to his master: “Master, Master ! The Hills are alive with the sound of music !”

  15. #390
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    President Donald Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place. The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying "Never mind, boys, I'll get it."

    The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.

    The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless. No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.

    But that afternoon,

    NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, and CNN reported: "TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"

  16. #391
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    I found my wife's G-spot last night.
    Her sister had it!

    - - - Updated - - -

    Hi Jane I haven’t seen you for ages. How’s the job at the zoo going?

    OMG don’t mention that place to me. I was cleaning out the gorilla cage when Jethro, the big male, dragged me into is cage. He had his way with me for hours. And those are BIG creatures if you know what I mean. I was in hospital for a week.

    Wow! Are you hurt badly?

    Hurt! Hurt! He hasn’t phoned, he hasn’t text.....

  17. #392
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    Got assaulted by a power tool this morning

    Minding my own business, next thing I knew..



    Bosch!

  18. #393
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    While we are on the subject, let's not forget the guy who owned an off license in America and Used the back room for late night gambling.

    His shop sign read "liquor in the front, poker in the rear"

  19. #394
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    Sir John returns from an overseas trip, and is met at the airport by his chauffeur James.

    As they pull away from the airport, Sir John says to James –

    “Anything happen whilst I was away”

    “Well sir, your horse died”

    “What! My thoroughbred race horse died, how”

    “It died from smoke inhalation sir”

    “Smoke inhalation, where from”

    “It was when the barn burnt down”

    “My listed barn burnt down, how come”

    “It was a spark from the manor house sir”

    “A spark from the manor house, explain”

    “Well when the house caught alight, a spark landed on the barn”

    “Your telling me my listed grade II manor house caught alight, my listed barn caught fire and my thoroughbred racehorse died, how did the house catch fire”

    “It was when a candle fell over and caught the curtains alight”

    “Candles! We don’t use candles in the house, why was a candle lit”

    “They were on your mother’s coffin sir”

    “Your telling me my mother died, my listed Grade II manor house burnt down, my listed barn burnt down, and my thoroughbred racehorse died, my god is there any good news James”

    “Yes sir”

    “What is it James”

    “With all the heat sir, your daffodils came up early”

  20. #395
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    My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men.

    So I told her to sit down and shut up.

    Guess what...

    She couldn't do either!

  21. #396
    Burglar breaks in a dark home and scurried to steal jewelry. He hears "Jesus is watching you." He shines his flash light around and sees nothing so he continues on his mission. Then he hears " Jesus is coming." He shines his light again. Thus time he sees a bird in a cage. He asks, did you say that? The bird replies in the affirmative. The burglar asks who are you? The bird replirs: I'm Moses. The burglar asks : what kind of person names a bird Moses? The bird replies: the same kind of person who names a rottweiler Jesus.
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  22. #397
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    I walked by my mums bedroom and on her bed I saw a suitcase half open.

    My curiosity got the better of me, so I opened it up.

    In it was a leather mask, a leather cape, thigh length leather boots, and a leather whip.

    ... I couldn't believe it... my Mum...

    ......... A Super Hero!!!!!

  23. #398
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fatboy 18 View Post
    President Donald Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place. The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying "Never mind, boys, I'll get it."

    The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.

    The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless. No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.

    But that afternoon,

    NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, and CNN reported: "TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"
    Hahahahaha...so funny because it's totally accurate
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  24. #399
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fatboy 18 View Post
    President Donald Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place. The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying "Never mind, boys, I'll get it."

    The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.

    The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless. No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.

    But that afternoon,

    NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, and CNN reported: "TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"
    WOW, Fatboy THIS Hits the Nail on the Head EXACTLY! Great One!
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  25. #400
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    An Engineer dies... And goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.
    After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.
    The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
    One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?
    Satan says, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
    God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "
    Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."
    God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
    "Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"


 
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