Page 10 of 10 FirstFirst ... 8910
Results 226 to 244 of 244

Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #226
    VOA Member
    since 2016
    Western Canada
    BrianACR's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Sherwood Park, AB
    Posts
    694
    Quote Originally Posted by Fatboy 18 View Post
    My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner...
    So I took the battery out of the smoke detector!

    I'm lucky to have a wife who is a great cook
    2001 GTS ACR Yellow with black stripes. AKA Minion

  2. #227
    Finally.....I stopped Laughing to post

    Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving but Aren't...

    10. "Just reach in and grab the giblets."

    9. "Whew...that's one terrific spread!"

    8. "I am in the mood for a little dark meat!"

    7. "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."

    6. "Talk about a HUGE breast!"

    5. "And he forces his way into the end zone!"

    4. "She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down."

    3. "It's cool whip time!"

    2. "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!"

    . . . and the number one thing that sounds dirty at Thanksgiving but isn't . .

    1. "It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out."

  3. #228
    VOA Member
    since 2016
    Western Canada
    BrianACR's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Sherwood Park, AB
    Posts
    694
    Hahaha that's awesome!!!
    2001 GTS ACR Yellow with black stripes. AKA Minion

  4. #229
    Regional Vice President
    VOA Mamba Member
    since 2013
    United Kingdom
    Fatboy 18's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    South of London, Surrey
    Posts
    4,866
    A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
    Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
    Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
    While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
    Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
    Harry : "9."
    Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
    Harry: "36."
    And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
    The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
    Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
    The principal and Harry both agreed.
    Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
    Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
    Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
    The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
    Harry replied: "Pockets."
    Ms. Brooks : "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
    Harry: "Pants."
    Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
    Harry: "Coconut."
    The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
    Ms. Brooks : "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
    The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
    Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
    Harry: "Shake hands."
    The principal was trembling.
    Ms. Brooks : "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
    Harry: "Fire truck."
    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong"

  5. #230
    Regional Vice President
    VOA Mamba Member
    since 2013
    United Kingdom
    Fatboy 18's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    South of London, Surrey
    Posts
    4,866
    A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

    There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

    The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

    They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

    Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,

    "OK, I give up. Where's the f*****g ship?"

  6. #231
    lol, awesome
    Roe powered GTS

  7. #232
    Regional Vice President
    VOA Mamba Member
    since 2013
    United Kingdom
    Fatboy 18's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    South of London, Surrey
    Posts
    4,866
    Jack Daniels have just released an Oscar Pistorius advent calendar.

    A shot behind every door...

  8. #233
    Regional Vice President
    VOA Mamba Member
    since 2013
    United Kingdom
    Fatboy 18's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    South of London, Surrey
    Posts
    4,866
    Presents may be delayed this year!

    santa fan.jpg

  9. #234
    VOA Mamba Member
    since 2015
    New England
    daveg's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    Mass
    Posts
    457
    Since we are on the subject.

    Q: Why is Christmas just like your job?
    A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

    Q: Why is Santa so jolly?
    A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

    Q: Why doesn't Santa have any kids?
    A: He only comes once a year
    96 GTS (# 33, Bone Stock), 66 Mustang Convertible, 66 Mustang Hardtop, 69 Corvette Roadster

  10. #235
    VOA Member
    since 2016
    Western Canada
    BrianACR's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Sherwood Park, AB
    Posts
    694
    Speaking of Santa a gifts...
    Ever try to buy your daughter a Barbie? So many options. Cowgirl Barbie, City Barbie, Dressed up fancy Barbie...And the list goes on.
    But why was there never a Pregnant Barbie????
    Cuz Ken always came in a different box
    2001 GTS ACR Yellow with black stripes. AKA Minion

  11. #236
    Regional Vice President
    VOA Mamba Member
    since 2013
    United Kingdom
    Fatboy 18's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    South of London, Surrey
    Posts
    4,866
    Hehe

  12. #237
    Regional Vice President
    VOA Mamba Member
    since 2013
    United Kingdom
    Fatboy 18's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    South of London, Surrey
    Posts
    4,866
    In a dark and hazy room, peering intently into a crystal ball, a Gypsy mystic delivered extremely grave news.

    "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

    Visibly shaken and with tears starting to appear in the corners of her eyes, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

    She brushed away the tears, took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind from racing.

    She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?".
    Last edited by Fatboy 18; 57 Minutes Ago at 07:23 PM.

  13. #238
    Please just delete that ......

  14. #239
    Regional Vice President
    VOA Mamba Member
    since 2013
    United Kingdom
    Fatboy 18's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    South of London, Surrey
    Posts
    4,866
    A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to the earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

    All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window I muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

    She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail!

    The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite.

  15. #240
    Regional Vice President
    VOA Mamba Member
    since 2013
    United Kingdom
    Fatboy 18's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    South of London, Surrey
    Posts
    4,866
    A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb.

    I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!”

    The dentist thought to himself ”Well, well, a golfer with real balls!!"

    So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

    The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist.”

  16. #241
    Regional Vice President
    VOA Mamba Member
    since 2013
    United Kingdom
    Fatboy 18's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    South of London, Surrey
    Posts
    4,866
    The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
    The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland .
    It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
    They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
    They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
    No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.
    The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
    "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
    The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"
    The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?
    The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
    "My wife is from Scotland."

  17. #242
    Regional Vice President
    VOA Mamba Member
    since 2013
    United Kingdom
    Fatboy 18's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    South of London, Surrey
    Posts
    4,866
    A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.

    The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you."

    "Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour."

    "Show me," said the interviewer.

    So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - ribbed, flavoured, colored and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.

    The interviewer said, "That's amazing, but I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanizing all over the country."

    "Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!"

    "Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.

    The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"

  18. #243
    Regional Vice President
    VOA Mamba Member
    since 2013
    United Kingdom
    Fatboy 18's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    South of London, Surrey
    Posts
    4,866
    A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

    Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

    At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

    'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.

    'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

    'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own fking blanket!'

    The End

    After a moment of silence, he farted.

  19. #244
    Regional Vice President
    VOA Mamba Member
    since 2013
    United Kingdom
    Fatboy 18's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    South of London, Surrey
    Posts
    4,866
    Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.

    "If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars," said Josh.
    His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole.

    Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.
    About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.
    "But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten dollars you promised."
    "That's from your grandma," said Josh.


 
Page 10 of 10 FirstFirst ... 8910

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •