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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #426
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    Birthdays are good for you.

    Studies show that people who have more birthdays live longer.

  2. #427
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    The delivery company that I work for bought self driving vehicles. This morning, one of them took me to the unemployment office.
    96 GTS (# 33, Bone Stock), 66 Mustang Convertible, 66 Mustang Hardtop, 69 Corvette Roadster

  3. #428
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    Lol!!!

  4. #429
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    An Italian, an Indian and a blond construction worker are having lunch at the top of the 64 story building they are working on.

    The Italian opens his lunch box and exclaims: "If I get spaghetti & meatballs one more time for lunch, I'm jumping off this building!".

    The Indian opens his Tupperware and with an annoyed look on his face says: "If I get tandoori chicken one more time for lunch, I'm jumping off this building too!".

    The blond unwraps his sandwich and says: "One more PB&J sandwich and I'm calling it quits! Im jumping! I swear to god!"

    The next day, the Italian gets spaghetti and meatballs for lunch. He jumps off the building to his death. The Indian, seeing tandoori chicken, follows the Italian and jumps off. The blond, taking a bit out of his PB&J sandwich stays true to his word and jumps too.

    A few days later at the funeral, the Italian and Indian's wives are sobbing and say to each other: "Had I known he wasn't happy with his lunch, I would have packed him something else!". They turn to the blond's wife and find her standing there emotionless. The Italian and Indian's wives being a bit puzzled from the blond's wife's lack of emotions can't help but ask: "How can you not be upset after losing your husband?" The blond's wife responds: "I got nothing, he has always packed his own lunch every morning!"
    Last edited by koko_tee; 2 Weeks Ago at 02:30 PM.

  5. #430
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  6. #431
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    This one i got from Reddit:

    A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

    Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

    The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

    The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

    When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

  7. #432
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    A woman goes to a counselor, worried about her husband's temper.The counselor asks, "What's the problem?

    The woman says, "I don't know what to do. Every day my husband loses his temper for no reason. It scares me."

    The Counselor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, take a double shot of Jack Daniel's and swish it in your mouth. Swish and swish, but don't swallow it or spit it out until he either leaves the room or calms down."

    Two weeks later, she goes back to the counselor, looking fresh and reborn. She tells the counselor, "That was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband started to get angry, I swished the Jack. I swished and swished, and he calmed down. How does swishing Jack Daniel's in your mouth do that?

    The counselor said, "The Jack Daniel's does nothing. Keeping your mouth shut is the trick."

  8. #433
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    LOL!!! Good one!!

  9. #434
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    A man and a woman find themselves in an elevator at a medical center.

    The man notices a flyer about blood donations in the lady's hand and casually asks: " Are you here to donate blood?"
    "Why yes!", the woman replies.
    "That's amazing, how much do you get for donating blood?", he asks.
    "They give $10 for every pint of blood.", replies the lady
    "That's not bad", replies the man.

    The lady proceeds to ask "Are you here to donate blood as well?".
    Slightly embarrassed, the man shyly replies: "No, I'm here to donate sperm."
    "That's nice of you. You provide couples in difficulty and single women the ability to have children. How much do you get for that?" replies the lady.
    "They pay $150 per 1/2 ounce." says the man.

    At this point the doors to the elevator open and they part ways.

    A few days later, the same man and woman find themselves in the elevator of the same medical center again.
    The man asks with confidence "Going back to the blood bank today?"

    The lady shakes her head, tilts her head back a tiny bit and mumbles... "No, smerm mank".
    Last edited by koko_tee; 1 Week Ago at 03:41 PM.

  10. #435
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  11. #436
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    A elderly retiree wobbled gingerly into an ice cream shoppe and carefully, slowly climbed up onto a counter stool.
    He wheezed for a minute, then ordered a chocolate sundae.
    “Crushed nuts?” asked the server.
    “No,” he answered.
    “Bad knees.”
    96 GTS (# 33, Bone Stock), 66 Mustang Convertible, 66 Mustang Hardtop, 69 Corvette Roadster

  12. #437
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  13. #438
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    Hahahha!!!

  14. #439
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    A man is sitting at a restaurant waiting for a waiter / waitress to come by.

    As a waitress is walking pat him, he stops her and asks: "Miss, can I ask you a question about the menu please?".

    The waitress slaps the man across the face and exclaims: "The men I please are none of your damn business!!!".


 
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