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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #401
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    I just filled the car up with gas didn't notice i'd spilled some on my sleeve, going down the road I lit a cig and my sleeve burst into flames.

    I opened the window and stuck my arm out to try and blow out the flames and the darn cops stopped me and are now arresting me for having a fire arm without a licence.....

  2. #402
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    Robert, 85, married Susan, a lovely 25 year old. Since her husband is so old, Susan decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

    After the wedding festivities Susan prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

    Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

    They unite as one... All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

    After a few minutes, Susan hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'.

    Somewhat surprised, Susan consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

    She is set to go to sleep again but, aha you guessed it, Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

    But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'

    Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Susan and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

  3. #403
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    An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

    He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

    One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

    The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

    Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

    Moral: Old men can still think fast

  4. #404
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    THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SCOTTISH GIRL

    Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
    The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away....
    .
    The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table....
    .
    The third man married a girl from Scotland . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.....

  5. #405
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    A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

    The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

    That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

    "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

    "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

    "He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

  6. #406
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    Every Saturday morning a man walks into the barbers when it’s really busy and asks how long the wait is for a haircut.

    The barber replies something along the lines of 1 hour or 2 hours, depending how busy he was. But the man never joins the queue and always leaves.

    After a few months of this the barber is perplexed and asks one of his regular customers to follow him and see where the guy goes.

    The customer comes back laughing his head off. And when the barber asks him where the man went he replied “Your house.”

  7. #407
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    My girlfriend broke up with me at the weekend, so I stole her wheelchair as I left.

    Guess who came crawling back to me this morning?

    =========================================

    During the hose pipe ban, I pour scotch on my lawn, it comes up half cut.
    Last edited by Fatboy 18; 08-10-2018 at 10:46 AM.

  8. #408
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    It has been determined the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

    The husband sits up and begs.

    The wife rolls over and plays dead.

  9. #409
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    My carbon monoxide detector won’t stop beeping.
    It’s giving me a headache, and dizziness, and nausea.

  10. #410
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    Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
    96 GTS (# 33, Bone Stock), 66 Mustang Convertible, 66 Mustang Hardtop, 69 Corvette Roadster

  11. #411
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    On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

    The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

    And God saw it was good.

    On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

    The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

    And God, again saw it was good.

    On the third day, God created the cow and said "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

    The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

    And God agreed it was good.

    On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

    But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

    "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

    So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.

    For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

    Life has now been explained to you.

    There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

    If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

  12. #412
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    Two nuns were driving down the road on a dark rainy night

    All of a sudden Count Dracula swoops down and lands right in front of them forcing an emergency stop

    “Quick” said Sister Mary, “show him your cross”

    Sister Theresa wound down her window and shouted “get out of the road you fking idiot”

  13. #413
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    The wife's sleeping with a huge smile on her face.

    I love felt tip pens.

  14. #414
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    An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
    restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

    The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

    "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

    "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I
    want a divorce!"

    "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."

    Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

    "Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.

    "That's his mistress," says her husband.

    "Ours is prettier," she replies.

  15. #415
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    My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, it said -

    "It's not working, I can't take it anymore. I am going home to my mum"

    I opened the fridge, the light came on.

    The beer was cold.

    What the hell is she on about.

  16. #416
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    A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

    Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

    Holding the shoe over her penny, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

  17. #417
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    The best explanation of politicians I have ever heard.

    While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in
    the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with
    The old man.

    Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their
    role as our leaders.

    The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most
    politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.''

    Not being familiar with the term,
    the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.

    The old farmer said,
    "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with
    a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."

    The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
    "You know he didn't get up there by himself,
    He doesn't belong up there,
    He doesn't know what to do while he's up there,
    He's elevated beyond his ability to function,
    And you just wonder what kind of dumb **** put him up there to begin with."


 
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