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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #126
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    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back!

    Enjoy your Friday

  2. #127
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    While at the local bar the other night, I overheard 2 "chubby" girls conversing in a Scottish sounding accent. I approached and interrupted their conversation: "excuse me, are you Lassies from Scotland?" I asked.

    "Wales, it's Wales!" They both bemoaned..

    "Sorry!", I replied - "are you whales from Scotland?"

    Don't remember much after that.
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  3. #128
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    hehe

    I was at a cocktail party 'the other night, where I met a young lady with a strapless dress.
    I inquired as to what was holding her dress up?
    She replied "your age".

  4. #129
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    How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm???









    Wait for it...









    Look for The Fresh Prints... (Prince)
    Last edited by Blue96GTS; 10-25-2017 at 06:32 PM. Reason: I suck at telling jokes
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  5. #130
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    I just got home from work early and found my wife on a porn site, she'd better have a bloody good explanation when she gets home!

  6. #131
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    A little girl asked her mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”! mum replies, “No, because she is in heat.”

    “What’s that mean?” asked the child.

    “Go ask your father”, answered the mother, “I think he’s in the garage.”

    The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”

    Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it and said, “Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block.”

    The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”

    “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”

  7. #132
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    Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess,
    "Will you marry me?"
    The Princess immediately said, "No!"

    And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged,
    full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and
    dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and
    never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony, and
    dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns, and ate spam and
    potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and
    never got cheated on while he was at work, and
    all his friends and family thought he was friggin' cool as hell,
    and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.

    The End.
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  8. #133
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    Good one!

  9. #134
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    HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A DEAD PENQUIN ?

    Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go? Wonder no more!
    It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
    The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
    If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
    The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
    "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
    "Freeze a jolly good fellow."*
    You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

  10. #135
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    One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”
    Bob’s wife, a stunning blonde goes out and moves her car.
    A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”
    Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again.
    The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park…” then the electric power goes out.
    Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?”
    With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

  11. #136
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    An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of discomfort, he starts designing and building improvements.
    After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The Engineer is a pretty popular guy.
    One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"
    Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next."
    God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "
    Satan says, "No way. I like having an Engineer on the staff.
    I'm keeping him."
    God says, "Send him up here or I'll sue."
    "Yeah, right," Satan laughs,
    "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

  12. #137
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    Hillary was recently asked if Bill and Harvey Weinstein's sexual activities were the same..??

    "Close, but no cigar..."
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  13. #138
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    Hehe

  14. #139
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    Mike, a businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead,
    gorgeous flight attendant: "What is your name?"
    Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, sir"
    Mike: "Lovely name ...any relation to Mercedes Benz?"
    Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close"
    Mike: "How close?"
    Flight Attendant: "Same price".

  15. #140
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    An elderly couple were flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

    Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Please Brace for an emergency landing!
    Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach.
    However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”

    Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

    An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?”

    “No, sweetheart,” she responds.

    Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?”

    “Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

    “One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks.

    “Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife. “I didn’t send that one, either.”

    The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “What was the hug for?”

    The husband answers, “They’ll find us!”

  16. #141
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    Funny and too true!

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    I was recently presented with a VOA web site infraction for my racially insensitive joke about Will Smith.

    For those of you who don't know that Will Smith is the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire, I apologize.

    The rest of you hopefully understand it's actually not racist at all, just a play on words.



    That was my mistake. It's resolved. Laugh on....

    City
    Last edited by City; 10-27-2017 at 04:21 PM.
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  18. #143
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    Quote Originally Posted by Blue96GTS View Post
    I was recently presented with a VOA web site infraction for my racially insensitive joke about Will Smith.

    For those of you who don't know that Will Smith is the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire, I apologize.

    The rest of you hopefully understand it's actually not racist at all, just a play on words.
    I thought it was quite funny.
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  19. #144
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    No harm, no foul. I edited it slightly for clarification, and because I suck at telling jokes!
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  20. #145
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    A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

    The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

    Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

    The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

    Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,

    "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?

  21. #146
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    Did you Know!
    In Trinidad and Tobago a Steak pie is $3.50. In Jamaica the same Pie is $4.75. and in Antigua it's $6.25.
    These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean

  22. #147
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    Well if cheesy plays on words are the current theme....

    Three vampires walk into a bar. The first says "I'll have a blood please"
    The second says " make that two!"
    Third vampire responds "I'll have a plasma please"
    So the bar tender looks at them and replies "So that'll be two bloods and a blood light?"
    2001 GTS ACR Yellow with black stripes. AKA Minion

  23. #148
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    Ha Ha, Very Good Happy Halloween

  24. #149
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    Not sure if this one is allowed, but here goes

    The teacher said..
    Let's begin by reviewing some history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death!'?
    She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up:
    "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
    "Very good! "Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!'?"
    Again, no response except from Little Akio:
    "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
    "Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult.
    "Who said, 'Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country'?"
    Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said:
    "John F. Kennedy, 1961."
    The teacher snapped at her class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. "Little Akio isn't from this Country and he knows more about our history than you do."
    She heard a loud whisper: "F--k the Japs."
    "Who said that? I want to know right now," she angrily demanded.
    Little Akio put his hand up,
    "General MacArthur, 1945."
    At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
    The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that?"
    Again, Little Akio says,
    "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
    Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
    Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher.. "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
    Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little st! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
    Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."
    The teacher fainted.
    As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,
    "Oh st, we are screwed."*
    Little Akio said quietly,
    "All Americans, November 2016, when Donald Trump got elected."*

  25. #150
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    How many people does it take to change a lightbulb on Facebook?
    1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
    14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
    7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
    6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'
    Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
    2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'
    15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct
    19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page
    11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here
    36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
    5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs
    15 People to post "I can't see SQUAT!" and use their own light bulbs
    7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
    4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
    13 to comment "Me too"
    5 to post to the page that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
    4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
    13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
    1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb.
    4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
    1 admin to ban the light bulb posters for inserting political discussion and close the thread.


 
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