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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #376
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    I met an older woman at a bar last night. OOOH! She looked pretty good for a 60+ year-old In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

    We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

    'What's that?' I asked

    'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

    As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like. I said, 'No, I haven't, but I’d like to.’

    We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'Tonight's your lucky night.'

    We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

    Mom ... you still awake?'

    At that point I realised that I had misunderstood the situation, made my excuses and said goodbye.

    I never heard the shot.

  2. #377
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    A man receives a text message from his neighbour.

    "Frank, I have to admit I've been using your wife, I've been using your wife a lot. At least once a day and night, often for a few hours at a time. When you're there and when you're not around, any time I fancied it really. I'd like to say I'm sorry and I promise to stop".

    A few minutes later he receives another text.

    "Wifi, damn it, I meant Wifi."

  3. #378
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    The wife walked into the lounge last night after getting ready for a night out with her mates and she asked me to rate her looks.

    '8 or 9 at least' I said

    'Out of 10?' she smiled 'Thanks babe I'm really flattered'

    Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant pints!

  4. #379
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    Your on a roll!!
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  5. #380
    Have u heard about the Hillary Clinton special being offered at KFC? It comes with two big thighs, two small breasts & a left wing.
    #6 of 11 Roanoke Special Edition ACR (Weekends)
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  6. #381
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    God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."

    Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

    God said, "Go down into that valley."

    Adam said, "What's a valley?"

    God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the River."

    Adam said, "What's a river?"

    God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......"

    Adam said, "What is a hill?"

    So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

    He told Adam, On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

    Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

    After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

    Adam said, "What's a woman?'

    So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."

    Adam said, "How do I do that?"

    God first said (under His breath), "Geez...." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

    So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

    In about five minutes, he was back.

    God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

    Adam said "What's a Headache?"

  7. #382
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    A sailor brings his boat up to a restaurant dock to eat lunch.

    The dockhand says, “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t let you dine here today. This establishment has a necktie policy, and you are not wearing one.”

    “Of course I don’t have a tie on,” replied the sailor, “I’m on a boat!”

    “Well, go down below and put one on,” said the dockhand.

    “I don’t HAVE one!” shouted the sailor.

    The dockhand, not wanting to turn away a customer, said: “Well, why don’t you just find something that approximates a tie. That should be OK.”

    After some time, the sailor comes out with a pair of jumper cables. “This is all I could find to put around my neck,” he said.

    Sighing, the deck hand said: “OK, I’ll let you in with those, but just don’t start anything.”

  8. #383
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    In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
    As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

    Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

    Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

    Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

    The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

    Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

  9. #384
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    My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.
    Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!
    That’s the best I’ve done so far.
    96 GTS (# 33, Bone Stock), 66 Mustang Convertible, 66 Mustang Hardtop, 69 Corvette Roadster

  10. #385
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    hehe


 
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