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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #251
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    Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

    One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

    There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

    Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

    Question: Who was the survivor?

    Answer:

    The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

    ** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
    **** Men keep scrolling.

    So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

    By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.!

  2. #252
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    A corrupt high-ranking politician dies and arrives at the gates of Heaven. He's met by St Peter who says "Welcome to Heaven. Before you come in, you should know, we don't often see high officials round here, so I've been given orders on what to do with you."

    "You have to spend a day in Hell first, and then a day in Heaven, after that you can choose which you want for eternity".

    The politician says "I've already decided, I want to be in Heaven."

    St Peter says, "Well, I still have to do what I've been told", and he sends the politician to Hell first.

    The politician finds himself on a beautiful golf course, not far from the club house where all his political friends from his previous life are outside, and they run to greet him, reminiscing about the good times getting rich off the people. They play a nice round of golf, and the Devil hosts a wonderful cocktail party afterwards, with caviar, champagne, lobster, dancing... the whole lot.

    He's having such a good time that before he realises, it's time to go.

    He's brought back up to Heaven, where he finds himself on beautiful clouds, with angels playing sweet music on harps, and everyone in blissful contentment. Everything is so peaceful that before he knows it, the day is up and St Peter brings him back to the gate and says, "OK, so it's time to decide which you want"

    The politician says "Well, I didn't think I'd believe it... Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell"

    So St Peter takes him back down, and he finds himself in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. All his friends are dressed in rags picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

    The guy finds the Devil and says, "What's happened here? Yesterday it was a golfing paradise, everyone was well-dressed, we had a really nice game and a party afterwards..."

    The Devil says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."

    __________________________________________________ _________________________________________________


    The Liverpool FC manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play
    football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.

    Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes
    left, the manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod and on he goes.

    The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for
    Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are thrilled and the media
    loves the new star.

    When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about
    his first day in English football.

    'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were
    4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media,
    they all love me.'

    'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got
    shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped
    and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while
    you were having such great time.'

    The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'

    Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum,

    It's your bloody fault we came to England in the first place!'

  3. #253
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    Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
    He had never been to church in his life.

    After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said,
    "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

    Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father.
    A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat.
    I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday.
    I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church.
    So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

    The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat.
    What changed your mind?"

    Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments,
    I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

    With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said;
    "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal 'ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

    Murphy slowly shook his head.
    "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery',
    I remembered where I left me hat."
    Last edited by Fatboy 18; 12-21-2017 at 04:55 PM.

  4. #254
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  5. #255
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    I awoke for a leak in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through next door’s garden. Suddenly, my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly. He then began to dig a grave with the shovel. Astonished I got back into bed.
    My wife said, “Darling, you’re shaking, what is it?”
    “You’ll never believe what I’ve just seen,” I said. “That Arsehole next door has still got my Bloody shovel.”

  6. #256
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    A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner.
    Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the waitresses there have low-cut blouses and really short skirts.

    10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the food there is very good and the wine selection is excellent.

    10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke-free.

    10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they even have an elevator.

    10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because everyone's heard it's good and they've never been there before...

  7. #257
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    It may not be a joke, but I saw this while looking at a job the other day...light pole.jpg
    2001 GTS ACR Yellow with black stripes. Heads By JM, ported and polished, 2.02"& 1.6" Valves. Custom Comp Cam. JMB intake, M&M headers 3"SS + cat delete. AKA Minion. My neighbors hate me...

  8. #258
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    Now that's like the Chicken and Egg story, wonder which came first? The House or the lamp post!

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    Brian, that is FUUUUUNY!!! That will keep me chuckling for many days to come. LOL!

    Fat boy, I have to say you write some really good jokes.
    Oooorrr...you and your mates drink pints in the pub, get legless
    and make up this stuff.

    Great stuff either way.
    Keep ‘em comin’ , mate

    Cheers
    Last edited by Viper98; 01-04-2018 at 06:43 PM.

  10. #260
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    Ya I had to make sure I stopped and took a pic of that. Can't pass by something like that and not share it!!
    2001 GTS ACR Yellow with black stripes. Heads By JM, ported and polished, 2.02"& 1.6" Valves. Custom Comp Cam. JMB intake, M&M headers 3"SS + cat delete. AKA Minion. My neighbors hate me...

  11. #261
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    I spent all week erecting a new fence in my garden.
    My neighbour commented on my Facebook page that it wasn't straight so I unfriended him.
    That's the last time he comments on my posts!

    - - - Updated - - -

    The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital.
    "How is she?" I asked.
    "Very critical," replied the officer.
    "What's she fking complaining about now?" I said.

  12. #262
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    An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

    I now have a 35 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. "So what do you think about that Doc ?"

    The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

    One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

    As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

    Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang’. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

    Now, what do you think of that?" Asked the doctor.

    The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

    The doctor replied, "I rest my case."

  13. #263
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    Two drunks go to a brothel.

    The Madam seeing they were obviously drunk said to one of her girls "Give them a blow up doll, they will never notice"

    Later as the men are staggering home one says to the other-

    How was yours.

    It was OK but I think I she was dead, she didn't move, how was yours.

    Mine was a witch.

    How do you know that.

    I bit her on the arse, she farted and flew out of the window.

  14. #264
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    There was a recent study which tried to pinpoint the effects alcohol had on walking.....

    The results in are staggering!

  15. #265
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    Paddy and Mick are walking along a street in London.

    Paddy looks in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

    The sign reads,"Suits £5.00 each,Shirts £2.00 each,Trousers £2.50 per pair."

    Paddy says to Mick,"Mick look at those prices,we could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune selling them.Now when we go in there,keep quiet,OK? I'll do all the talking because if they hear our accents,they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us.I'll put on my best English accent."

    "Roight y'are Paddy,I'll keep my mouth shut ,so I will,you do all da business" says Mick.

    They go in and Paddy says in a posh English voice,"Hello my good man,"I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each,100 shirts at £2.00 each,and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each.I'll back my truck up and load them on myself."

    The owner of the shop says,"You're from Ireland,aren't you?"

    "Well yes," says a surprised Paddy,"What gave it away?"

    The shop owner replies,"This is a dry cleaners."

  16. #266
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    A mother visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

    During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

    Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, he said “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you we are just roommates."

    About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,

    “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate we had, you don't suppose she took it, do you?"

    He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

    Dear Mother:

    I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

    Love,
    your son.

    Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

    Dear Son,

    I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…

    Love,
    Mom.

  17. #267
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    The wife left a note on the fridge saying "Its not working,Im leaving & going to mums"
    I opened the door......... the light was on and the beer was cold! Don't know what she's on about?

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    Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
    First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
    Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
    Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."
    Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
    First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
    Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
    They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
    First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
    Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

  19. #269
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    The day before Easter, an old man in London calls his son in Australia and tells him,”Son, I’m really sorry but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up. We can’t live with each other any more.”

    The son is distraught and shouts down the phone at his father, “Dad, what are you talking about?”

    The father replies, “It’s just that we can’t stand the sight of each other any more. And I’m sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Japan and tell her?”

    The father than hangs up, and the son frantically calls his sister, who’s equally distraught and exclaims, “Like heck they’re getting divorced! Leave it to me, I’ll take care of this.”

    So she calls her father and shouts down the phone at him, “You are not getting divorced! Don’t you dare to do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t you dare do a thing about this. Do you hear me Dad?”

    She then hangs up, at which point the father hangs up his phone, turns to his wife and says, “Okay honey, they’re both coming for Easter and paying their own flight ticket.”

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    Quote Originally Posted by Fatboy 18 View Post
    A mother visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

    During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

    Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, he said “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you we are just roommates."

    About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,

    “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate we had, you don't suppose she took it, do you?"

    He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

    Dear Mother:

    I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

    Love,
    your son.

    Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

    Dear Son,

    I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…

    Love,
    Mom.
    Ha! My mother has always been able to tell when I was up to something and not letting on.
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  21. #271
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    Quote Originally Posted by BrianACR View Post
    It may not be a joke, but I saw this while looking at a job the other day...light pole.jpg
    Um, so who screwed up here? The home builder or the public works dept?

    How may times has that thing been nailed by someone coming home after a couple drinks at night?
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  22. #272
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fatboy 18 View Post
    A corrupt high-ranking politician dies and arrives at the gates of Heaven. He's met by St Peter who says "Welcome to Heaven. Before you come in, you should know, we don't often see high officials round here, so I've been given orders on what to do with you."

    "You have to spend a day in Hell first, and then a day in Heaven, after that you can choose which you want for eternity".

    The politician says "I've already decided, I want to be in Heaven."

    St Peter says, "Well, I still have to do what I've been told", and he sends the politician to Hell first.

    The politician finds himself on a beautiful golf course, not far from the club house where all his political friends from his previous life are outside, and they run to greet him, reminiscing about the good times getting rich off the people. They play a nice round of golf, and the Devil hosts a wonderful cocktail party afterwards, with caviar, champagne, lobster, dancing... the whole lot.

    He's having such a good time that before he realises, it's time to go.

    He's brought back up to Heaven, where he finds himself on beautiful clouds, with angels playing sweet music on harps, and everyone in blissful contentment. Everything is so peaceful that before he knows it, the day is up and St Peter brings him back to the gate and says, "OK, so it's time to decide which you want"

    The politician says "Well, I didn't think I'd believe it... Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell"

    So St Peter takes him back down, and he finds himself in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. All his friends are dressed in rags picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

    The guy finds the Devil and says, "What's happened here? Yesterday it was a golfing paradise, everyone was well-dressed, we had a really nice game and a party afterwards..."

    The Devil says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."

    __________________________________________________ _________________________________________________


    The Liverpool FC manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play
    football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.

    Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes
    left, the manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod and on he goes.

    The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for
    Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are thrilled and the media
    loves the new star.

    When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about
    his first day in English football.

    'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were
    4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media,
    they all love me.'

    'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got
    shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped
    and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while
    you were having such great time.'

    The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'

    Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum,

    It's your bloody fault we came to England in the first place!'
    It's funny cause it's true!
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    A priest is hearing confessions when Mrs Brooks, one of the most active and upstanding longtime members of the congregation comes in.

    He wonders what she could have to confess besides over sugaring the lemonade.

    She tells him "Bless me Father for I have sinned. Though I am 83, I had sex with the 19yr old pool boy even though I am married to Mr Brooks.

    Aghast, the priest says "surely it must have been against your will."

    Mrs brooks says, "No, against the china cabinet. And it would have done your heart good to hear those dishes rattle"
    2002 Red Viper GTS...At the Great Racetrack in the Sky
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  24. #274
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    Just having a drink and a chat with a bloke over a pint in the pub just before heading home yesterday. I discovered he was worth around £4 million and he shared the amazing story of how he got so rich.

    Basically, when he left school he had little or no formal qualifications but he was good with his hands and he knew how to sell. He knew he was never going to make it in an office job so it was nose to the grindstone time.

    He told me how he left school at 15 and bought an old caravan cheap and spent a few weeks fixing it up, he then sold it for profit. He then used the money to buy another and so on. He did this a lot over the next 35 years, buying, repairing, selling, buying again.

    He eventually moved onto motorhomes in the 90's and then onto cars in the last eight or nine years even during the real bad times he plugged away.

    He worked long hours sometimes not seeing his wife and kids for days in pursuit of his goal.

    Then his uncle died and left him £4 million.

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    Every morning when i get out of bed I stand with my left foot slightly raised...

    It helps me start the day off on the right foot!


 
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