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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #401
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    I just filled the car up with gas didn't notice i'd spilled some on my sleeve, going down the road I lit a cig and my sleeve burst into flames.

    I opened the window and stuck my arm out to try and blow out the flames and the darn cops stopped me and are now arresting me for having a fire arm without a licence.....

  2. #402
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    Robert, 85, married Susan, a lovely 25 year old. Since her husband is so old, Susan decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

    After the wedding festivities Susan prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

    Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

    They unite as one... All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

    After a few minutes, Susan hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'.

    Somewhat surprised, Susan consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

    She is set to go to sleep again but, aha you guessed it, Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

    But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'

    Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Susan and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

  3. #403
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    An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

    He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

    One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

    The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

    Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

    Moral: Old men can still think fast

  4. #404
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    THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SCOTTISH GIRL

    Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
    The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away....
    .
    The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table....
    .
    The third man married a girl from Scotland . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.....

  5. #405
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    A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

    The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

    That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

    "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

    "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

    "He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

  6. #406
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    Every Saturday morning a man walks into the barbers when it’s really busy and asks how long the wait is for a haircut.

    The barber replies something along the lines of 1 hour or 2 hours, depending how busy he was. But the man never joins the queue and always leaves.

    After a few months of this the barber is perplexed and asks one of his regular customers to follow him and see where the guy goes.

    The customer comes back laughing his head off. And when the barber asks him where the man went he replied “Your house.”

  7. #407
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    My girlfriend broke up with me at the weekend, so I stole her wheelchair as I left.

    Guess who came crawling back to me this morning?

    =========================================

    During the hose pipe ban, I pour scotch on my lawn, it comes up half cut.
    Last edited by Fatboy 18; 1 Week Ago at 10:46 AM.


 
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