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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #326
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    An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his p*nis covered with bright green and purple bumps.

    Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.

    The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".

    The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".

    The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your p*nis".

    The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

    The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

    The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his p*nis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, mongolian VD. Vely ware disease".

    The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my p*nis?"

    The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

    "Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

    "Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. D*ck fall off by itself! You save money"

  2. #327
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    Married couple Layla and Keith are sitting quietly in bed reading when Layla looks over at Keith and asks the question.

    Layla: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”

    Keith: “Of course not!”

    Layla: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”

    Keith: “Of course I do.”

    Layla: “Then why wouldn’t you get married again?”

    Keith: “Okay woman alright, I’d get married again.”

    Layla: “You would?”

    She looks with pain and her husband makes audible groan.

    Layla: “Would you live in our house?”

    Keith: “Yeah, it’s a huge house.”

    Layla: “Would you sleep with new bride in our bed?”

    Keith: “Where else would we sleep?”

    Layla: “Would you let her drive my sweet car?”

    Keith: “Possible, it is almost new.”

    Layla: “Would you replace my photographs with hers?”

    Keith: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”

    Layla: “Would you give her my jewelry?”

    Keith: “No I don’t think so, I’m sure she’d want her own.”

    Layla: “Would she use my golf clubs?”

    Keith: “No, she’s left-handed.”

    Layla: — silence-

    Keith: “What..Ohh Sh*t.”

  3. #328
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    There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned and went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"
    96 GTS (# 33, Bone Stock), 66 Mustang Convertible, 66 Mustang Hardtop, 69 Corvette Roadster

  4. #329
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    A beautiful woman walks into a doctors office, the doctor is bowled over by how stunning she is, his professionallism goes right out the window…

    He pulls up her dress and he starts rubbing her thighs.

    “Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor?

    “Yes, checking for abnormalities.” she replies.

    He tells her to take off her dress and bra, she takes them off.

    The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”

    Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her.

    He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?”

    She replies, “Yes, getting herpies – thats why I am here!”

  5. #330
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    An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
    "Of course child. What can I do for you?"
    "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the limits and I am afraid they will confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?"
    "I would love to help you my dear but I must warn you, I will not tell a lie". "with your honest face Father I am sure that no one will question you". When they get to customs, she lets the Priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
    "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare".
    The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
    "I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused".
    Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead Father. next please."

  6. #331
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    Topical one from the UK!

    Yank : FBI agent,
    Brit : MI5 agent,
    Russian : Chemical agent!

    England try out their new kit for the World Cup
    chemical.jpg

  7. #332
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    There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.
    One day he finds a theatre where they are willing to give him a chance to shine again.
    The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".
    The actor is thrilled. All day long, before the play, he's practising his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage and, with great passion, delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress". The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter, and the director was steaming: "You bloody fool!," he cried, "You've ruined me!" The actor was bewildered, "What happened? Did I forget my line?"
    "No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

  8. #333
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    A woman takes her 18-year-old daughter to the doctor.
    The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
    The mother says, "It's my daughter Alison. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
    The doctor gives Alison a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but Alison is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
    The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man!
    Have you, Alison?"
    Alison says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
    The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.
    About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
    The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill.
    I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

  9. #334
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    Two 90 year old men, Mike and Walt, have been friends all of their lives.

    When it's clear that Walt is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Walt, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

    Walt looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

    Shortly after that, Walt passes on.

    At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

    "Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

    "Mike--it's me, Walt."

    "You're not Walt. Walt just died."

    "I'm telling you, it's me, Walt," insists the voice.

    "Walt! Where are you?"

    "In heaven", replies Walt. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

    "Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

    "The good news," Walt says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

    That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

    "You're on the team for this Saturday's match!"

  10. #335
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    Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River Thames in London.
    The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
    'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
    We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.'
    'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
    'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
    'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
    'On the other side of the river near the car park at Westminster'
    'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc.
    'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the s*** out of them and eat 'em!'
    'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.
    See, by the time you finish shaking the s*** out of a Politician,
    there's nothing much left but an a***hole with a briefcase.'

  11. #336
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    A small boy named Bruce lived in a suburb of Sydney, Australia.
    None of his classmates liked him cause of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You’re driving me mad Bruce".
    One day Bruce 's mum came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mum honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career.
    The mum was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Sydney, relocating to Newcastle.
    25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform.
    Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.
    She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died.
    The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Bruce, working as a cleaner in the hospital, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner!


    Don't tell me you thought Bruce became a heart-surgeon? Sometimes I worry about you lot!!

  12. #337
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    I've discovered you can now get Viagra tea bags.....doesn't improve your sex life........but it stops your biscuits going soft when you dunk them in your Cup of Tea

  13. #338
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    Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
    Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
    Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"
    Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go?"
    Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

  14. #339
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    I think it should be law that you have to name a child as soon as it's born. So sad that kids grow up and parents haven't done that. Only yesterday I read in my local paper.. " the 15 year old victim who hasn't been named"... Just heart-breaking...

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    Have you heard of Murphy's Law?

    "Yeah,"

    "If something can go wrong, it will go wrong!"

    "Right, Have you heard of Cole's
    Law?"

    "No, what is it?"






    "Thinly sliced Cabbage."

  16. #341
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    Jeff came into the bedroom to find his wife sitting topless in front of the mirror, looking miserable.

    He said, "What's up?" and she replied, "I do wish my boobs were bigger."

    Jeff grabbed some paper from the Bathroom, " Take a few pieces of this and rub you chest with them each day?"

    "You idiot!" she said. "That's Toilet Roll."

    Her husband said, "Well it's, it worked for your rear end."
    Last edited by Fatboy 18; 03-15-2018 at 02:22 PM.

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    As a plane is about to crash, a female passenger announces "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

    She removes her clothes. "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

    A man stands up, removes his shirt "Here, iron this!"

    - - - Updated - - -

    I went to the chemist to see if he could suggest anything to help with my impotence

    "You need to try Viagra, it works really well." he said

    "Can you get it over the counter?" i asked

    "Only if i take two..."

  18. #343
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    An elephant and a mouse are walking together through the jungle when the elephant falls into a very large hole. The hole is so large that try as he might, the elephant is unable to climb out.
    So the mouse says, "Hang around, I'll get something to drag you out with" and leaves. A little while later the mouse returns driving a Porsche and with a rope tied to the bumper bar and he drags the elephant out of the hole.
    The two friends continue their stroll through the jungle when all of a sudden, the mouse falls into a hole. The elephant immediately stands over the hole and squatting over it, lowers his penis so the mouse can grab it and lift himself out of the hole.
    The moral of this story is that "If your dick is long enough you don't need a Porsche."

  19. #344
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    Ha ha that last one is great!
    2001 GTS ACR Yellow with black stripes. Heads By JM, ported and polished, 2.02"& 1.6" Valves. Custom Comp Cam. JMB intake, M&M headers 3"SS + cat delete. AKA Minion. My neighbors hate me...

  20. #345
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    Thieves stole a consignment of Viagra.

    Police say they are looking for hardened criminals!


    Police have solved the case, they found their crashed getaway car with 4 stiffs in it.

  21. #346
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    A wagon train got lost crossing the Plains and they're low on food and they see an old Norwegian sitting under a tree. They stop and ask him, "Is there food around here?" He says, "Well, I don't know, but I tell you, I wouldn't go that way — there's a big bacon tree over that hill." "A bacon tree?" "Yeah, so I wouldn't go that way."

    The wagon train talked about it and a bacon tree sounded good to them so they went over the hill and over the next hill and a thousand Indians were waiting for them and attacked them from all sides and took them prisoner except for the leader who went crawling back to the old Norwegian and said, "There was no bacon tree there, just a mob of Indians who took everybody captive."

    The Norwegian said, Vait a minute. He picked up his Norwegian-English dictionary and looked through it, and then said, "Oh, it wasn't a bacon tree. It was a ham bush."

  22. #347
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    There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
    and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
    He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone..
    After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

    The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
    Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

    He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

    The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
    Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
    away.
    Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
    She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

    Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
    then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! ....Why have you not died ???

    Oh, come on... take a guess !!!..Think about it !!!
    Everyone knows...........You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone....!!!

  23. #348
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    A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.

    They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

    The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"

    "No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.

    The husband asked, "Are you a genie?"

    "Oh, why, yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.

    The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

    The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"

    The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."

    The husband and wife agreed.

    After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"

    To which she responded, "Three years."

    The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

    To which she replied, "31 years old."

    The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"

  24. #349
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    Having too much sex can cause memory loss, I read about this topic on page 37 in a medical journal on the 16th of June, 1995 at 5:27pm.

  25. #350
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    Today 's word is ...Fluctuations



    (I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.)



    I was at my bank today; there was a short line.



    There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.



    It was obvious she was very irritated ..



    She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"



    The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."



    The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"





    You know you're laughing


 
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