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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #176
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    PENDING MARRIAGE


    My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

    My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.

    One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

    She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and commit my life to her sister.

    Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

    She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

    When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

    I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

    Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

    With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

    And the moral of this story is:

    Always keep your condoms in your car........

  2. #177
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    A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I
    haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
    What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
    "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

    "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball,
    but I'm fine now."

    "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your
    hand?"

    "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a
    sword fight

    My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine,
    really."

    "What about that eye patch?"

    "Oh, one day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over.
    I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."

    "You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye
    just from bird shit."

    "It was my first day with the hook."

  3. #178
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    A bloke is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
    The guy says aloud; "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"
    The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot".
    "Holy sh1t", the bloke replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
    "I got every word", says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
    "Oh yeah?", the bloke asks, "Then answer this - how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
    "Well", the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my cock around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
    "Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!"
    Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
    The bloke looks at the 200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
    "Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet.
    You can probably get me for 20, just make the guy an offer!" The bloke offers 20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.
    He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, He sympathises, and he's insightful. The bloke is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes pssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing.
    "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
    "What are you talking about?" asks the bloke.
    "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."
    "WHAT???" the bloke asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
    "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.
    "My God!" the bloke exclaims. "Then what?"
    "Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees
    and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."
    "WELL???" demands the frantic bloke, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

    "F*** knows", replied the parrot, "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

  4. #179
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    The teacher gave her year five class an assignment, get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the children came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?" the teacher asked. "Yes miss" little Johnny replied. "My dad told me a story about his sister, my aunt Mary. She was a pilot in Afghanistan and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over entry territory and all she had was a small bottle of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down in case the bottle broke on landing. She hit the ground right in the middle of 20 Taliban. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she run out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife until the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands" "Good heavens" cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this horrible story?" "Stay well away from auntie Mary when she's been drinking"

  5. #180
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  6. #181
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    HAHA man these are good!! This is definitely my favorite thread!!
    2001 GTS ACR Yellow with black stripes. AKA Minion

  7. #182
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    My ex was just like a hurricane, when she arrived in my life she was all wet and wild. When she left she took half the house!

    ------------------------------------
    Q : How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: none - they hold the bulb up to the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them!

    ------------------------------------

    Q : Why does it take 5 women with PMT to change a light bulb?



    A : BECAUSE IT DOES, ALL RIGHT!

  8. #183
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    Elsa, a 97 year old midwife, finally passed away after a long and happy life. When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter was standing there waiting for her.

    He said, “Welcome, Elsa. Do you have a last wish before you enter paradise?”

    “I do,” Elsa replied. “I would like to return to Earth for a few minutes and for once in my life witness a birth where the father is the one who has to endure the pain of having a baby.”

    St. Peter thought this was a reasonable request, so Elsa was sent back to Earth for a short while.

    She found herself standing in the home of a woman who was just having a baby. While giving birth, the mother seemed to be in no pain whatsoever.

    The midwife was curious to see how her husband was doing, but was surprised to see him calmly sitting on a chair by an open window, smoking his pipe.

    “How are you feeling? Aren’t you in pain?” the midwife asked him.

    “Oh no, I’m feeling great,” the husband replied. “But I think we have to call for an ambulance. Our neighbour John is lying out there on the lawn screaming his head off!”

  9. #184
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    A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

    "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

    "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

    "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"

    "No, Silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

    "So then?" asked the doctor.

    "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3, 000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?"

    "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

  10. #185
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    RECTUM STRETCHER

    While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a
    bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

    The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
    patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

    To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

    "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

    I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

    The cop stammered, "A what?............
    A rectum stretcher?
    And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

    "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to
    two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side
    to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it,
    until it's about 6 feet wide."

    "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked

    "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

    Traffic Ticket $95.00
    Court Costs $45.00
    Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS
    For everything else, there's MasterCard!

  11. #186
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    Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I
    said to her,
    "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on
    some machine and fluids from a bottle.

    If that ever happens, just pull the plug

    She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer.

    She's such a bitch........

  12. #187
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    Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................

    "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

    "Huey," was the reply.

    "How's your day been, Huey?"

    "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

    "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.

    He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

    "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

    "So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

    "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

    The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

    "No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
    .
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    "My name's Puddles."
    _________________

  13. #188
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    Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns ?
    Stirling Moss
    Lewis Hamilton
    Eddie Irvine
    Ayr Town centre.

  14. #189
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    Q: What do you call a Potato with a Penis??

    A: A Dick-Tater
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  15. #190
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    A guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it's right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings.

    "Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German," replies the shop keeper.

    "And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious shopper inquires.

    "I fall off my perch you fool!!" screeches the parrot.

  16. #191
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    Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes.
    Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!)

    1 cup sugar, half pound butter, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit 4 cups self raising flour.

    Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality.

    Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat.

    Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
    Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK.

    Try another cup just in case.

    Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

    Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it.

    Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver

    Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity.
    Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka.
    Now st shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

    Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the fekin window. Finish of the Vodka and wipe the counter with the fekin cat

  17. #192
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    A proud and confident genius makes a bet with Paddy the Irishman.

    The genius says,
    "Hey Paddy, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me €5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you €5,000."

    Paddy says,
    "Okay."

    The genius then asks,
    "How many continents are there in the world?"

    Paddy doesn't know and hands over €5.

    Then Paddy says,
    "Now tell me, what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?"

    The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over €5,000.

    The genius says,
    "Damn it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?"

    Paddy gives him €5.

  18. #193
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    Sad news... the managing director of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trecking across the Antartic.

    Paramedics said he could have done with another coat.

    ---------------------------

    Talking of paint, did you hear about the new blonde paint?

    It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

  19. #194
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    Parrot Joke - very funny! Thanks.
    Semper SRT. Proud owner of Viper TA, Hellcat and supercharged SRT8 Jeep.

  20. #195
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    The wife complained to me yesterday morning that she's getting fed up with my ritual of 'wake-up, stretch, yawn, get up and pee' so this morning I peed, woke-up, stretched, yawned and got up!
    She's still not happy!


 
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