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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #451
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    Paddy stops by the pub on the way home from the doctor.
    "What's the matter?" Seamus asks as he walks in.
    Paddy replies: "I haven't been feeling meself recently."
    "Good!" says Seamus. "That was a nasty little habit you had!"
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  2. #452
    Scott Grayson
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    "Bad news, Your Majesty - It's a cyberattack!"
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  3. #453
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    - - - Updated - - -

    An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

    I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

    No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression" Again, all was quiet.

    Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train stood from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

    The preacher fell to his knees, and the congregation roared.

    That dear readers is when the fight started!

  4. #454
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    A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the
    other if there is sex after death.
    Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
    After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
    Then the first contact was made.
    ... "Marion ... Marion "
    "Is that you, Bob?"
    "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
    "That's wonderful! What's it like?"
    "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off
    to the golf course.
    I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more
    times.
    Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the
    golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
    After supper, it's back to golf course again.
    Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then
    the next day it starts all over again"
    "Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

















    "No............I'm a rabbit in Arizona now

  5. #455
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    A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"
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  6. #456
    Scott Grayson
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    Quote Originally Posted by daveg View Post
    A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"
    Too funny! Thanks for the laugh!
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  7. #457
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    rolled into a Sports bar dressed as a tennis ball last night.

    Got served straight away.

  8. #458
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    Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car,

    A passing soldier assures her that he can help.

    She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, ......

    Rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

    Magically it opens.......

    "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

    "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis".

  9. #459
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    A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist's office. Doctor asked, "What can I do for you"?
    Man : "Will you watch us having sex"?
    Dr looked puzzled, but agreed.
    When the couple finished, the Dr said "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex" , & charged them $50.
    This happened for several weeks. The couple would make an appointment, have sex without problems, pay the Dr, then leave.
    Finally, the Dr asked, "Just what, exactly, are you trying to find out?"
    "Nothing", replied the man. "She's married, so we can't go to her place. I'm married, so we can't use my house. Holiday Inn charges $90, the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50. And I get $43 back from Medicare.

  10. #460
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    Saw a couple signs at a restaurant this weekend that I thought were funny:

    Never try to teach a pig to sing. It is a waste of your time and it annoys the pig!

    Sometimes I wake up grumpy...and sometimes I let her sleep!

  11. #461
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    One day, a blind bunny rabbit and a blind snake bumped into each other in the forest. The bunny was naturally honest and said he was blind and that he did not know what type of animal he was. The bunny asked the snake to feel what he looks like and let him know.
    So the snake wraps his body all around the bunny and says: "your body is soft and furry and you have long ears".
    The snake released him and the bunny hops up and down and says "that is great - I must be a bunny rabbit!!!!"
    As the bunny started to leave the snake says "Wait! Can you please feel my body and tell me what I am?"
    So the bunny starts to feel the snakes body all over with his soft bunny paws. The bunny says "your skin is cold and slimy." After more feeling, the bunny says "I can't tell your head from your ass!"
    The snake says "Oh no! That means I must be a lawyer!"

  12. #462
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  13. #463
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    Maria, a devout Irish Catholic got married and had 15 children. After that her husband Paddy passed away.
    Maria went on to remarry Mick, Paddy’s brother, and had another 15 children. He also passed away, and soon after that Maria died as well.
    At Maria’s funeral, Father Flanagan looked skyward and said “at least there’re finally together.
    Her sister Patricia, sitting in the front row said, “Excuse me Father, but do you mean she and her first husband or she and her second husband?”

    Fathers Flanagan replied “I mean her legs”

    - - - Updated - - -

    My wife asked for a bit of peace and quiet while she cooked dinner last night so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

  14. #464
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    I spent an hour defrosting the freezer last night.

    Or 'foreplay' as she calls it.

  15. #465
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    One day, Jim and Joe were out fishing when a funeral service passed over the bridge by which they were fishing.
    Jim took off his hat and put it over his heart until the funeral service had passed by.
    Joe said "Gee Jim, I didn't know you had it in you!"
    Jim replied, "It's the least I could do. After all I was married to her for 30 years."

  16. #466
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    Grandpa, what are you doing on the porch with no pants on?

    Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your Gramdma's idea.

  17. #467
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    A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend.
    They make love for hours.
    Afterwards, while they're just lying there, her phone rings.
    She answers and has a short conversation.
    When she hangs up her lover asks, "Who was that?"
    "Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

  18. #468
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    Good ones today Fatboy! Thanks for the laughs!
    2010 ACR absolutely stock... well... kind of

  19. #469
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    My wife told me to "quit acting like a flamingo".
    I had to put my foot down over that comment!

  20. #470
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    A son was nervous about breaking the news to his parents that he was gay.
    One day he was sitting in the kitchen while his mother was cooking and decided to tell her he liked other men.
    The mother was quiet for a minute then asked "do you take other men's parts into your mouth?"
    The son smiled and said "yes, I do".
    The mother reared back and slapped her son hard across his face.
    The son asked "why did you do that?"
    The mother replied "Don't you ever criticize my cooking again!"

  21. #471
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    Katie heard that her elderly grandfather had just passed away and goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
    When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble.
    "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear.
    "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

  22. #472
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    I saw a sticker on a car bumper, said " I am a vet, therefore I can drive like an animal".

    Suddenly I realised how many gynaecologist there are on the roads"

  23. #473
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    I live in a semi rural area.
    We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

    The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

    - - - Updated - - -

    The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
    I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
    She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
    I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
    Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
    She is a government employee.....


    Both of my parents were dwarfs.

    They always struggled to put food on the table.

  24. #474
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    One day, a little boy and a little girl are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.
    After much arguing, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you will never have.”
    The little girl is upset by this, as what the boy says is obviously true. So she runs home to her Mom, crying.
    A short time later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She goes to the boy, drops her pants and says, “My Mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

  25. #475
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    What is 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?

    Wrong! It is a $100 bill !


 
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