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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #351
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    Lol yes, I laughed at that one!
    Now I'll never hear that word again without thinking of that joke....
    2001 GTS ACR Yellow with black stripes. Heads By JM, ported and polished, 2.02"& 1.6" Valves. Custom Comp Cam. JMB intake, M&M headers 3"SS + cat delete. AKA Minion. My neighbors hate me...

  2. #352
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    Bill died. His Will provided 30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Barb, turned to her oldest friend.
    "Well, I'm sure Bill would be pleased," she said.
    "I'm sure you're right," replied Anne, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
    "All of it," said Barb. "Thirty thousand."
    "No!" Anne exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but 30,000?"
    Barb answered, "The funeral was 6,500. I donated 500 to the church.
    The wake, food and drinks were another 500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
    Anne computed quickly. 22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
    "Two and a half carats."

  3. #353
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    Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his mates, and play a round.

    His mates all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

    Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she had been admiring for some time, but she's happy".

    Number 2 guy says, "My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

    Number 3 guy says, "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car I got her".

    They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the arse and said: "Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf, and she said, ‘"Take a warm coat, it's cold out there".

  4. #354
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    11.34: Arrived at crime scene.

    11.34: Found footprints in garden.

    11.34: Found signs of forced entry.

    11.34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle.

    11.34: Found murder weapon in the storm drain.

    11.34: Realised watch was broken.

  5. #355
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    A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
    The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
    96 GTS (# 33, Bone Stock), 66 Mustang Convertible, 66 Mustang Hardtop, 69 Corvette Roadster

  6. #356
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    haha

  7. #357
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    Bob was driving home from one of his business trips to northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.

    As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped and asked the old Navajo if he would like a ride.

    With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car.

    Resuming the journey, bob tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Indian; however, the old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat. "what in bag?" asked the old man.

    Bob looked down at the brown bag and said, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
    the old Navajo was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: "good trade."

  8. #358
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    Life's not all bad...l'm still having sex at 63...

    l live at 59 so it's only a short walk...

  9. #359
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    It's 1959 and Buddy Holly goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
    Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in. He asks Buddy what they're planning to do on the date. Buddy politely responds that they'll probably just go to the coffee shop or to a drive-in movie.
    Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Buddy is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?" "Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."
    Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"

  10. #360
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    Every day a little Jack Russel goes into the job centre, jumps onto the desk and asks “got any jobs for me?” After the initial shock of a talking dog the staff get used to it.

    Then after a few weeks the dog comes in and the guy behind the counter says “Well this could be your lucky day. The circus is coming to town next week and their star turn, the dancing elephant is ill. I’ve told them about you and they are amazed and want you to join them. It’s 1000 a show, marrow bone and steak every day, with a fur lined kennel with a couple of cute little poodle bhes to keep you company.”

    “That’s no good to me.” Says the dog.

    “What not?” asks the man.

    “I’m a plumber.”

  11. #361
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    Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

    The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?”

    “Eight”, the boy replied.

    The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”

    The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."

    "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

    "Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike.

  12. #362
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    The doctor asked, 'What can I do for you?'
    The man said, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?’
    The doctor raised his eyebrows, but was so amazed that an elderly couple was asking for sexual advice that he agreed.
    When the couple finished, the doctor said, 'There's nothing wrong with either of you.' He charged them $50 and said goodbye.
    The next week, the same couple returned and asked the sex therapist to watch again.
    The sex therapist was puzzled, but agreed. Then, the same thing happened for several weeks in a row. The couple made an appointment, had intercourse, paid the doctor, and left.
    Finally, after 3 months, the doctor said, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
    The man said, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; so we can't go to my house.
    'The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all.... Medicare pays $43 of it, so our co-pay is only $7.
    One of the original 100

  13. #363
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    Mom was cleaning Junior's room one day and she found a bondage magazine under his bed.
    Mad and very upset, she put it back under his bed until his father got home. Once home, she showed it to him.
    He gave it a look and handed it right back to her without a word, so she asked him, 'What should we do about this?'
    Dad paused and said, 'Well I don't think you should spank him.'
    96 GTS (# 33, Bone Stock), 66 Mustang Convertible, 66 Mustang Hardtop, 69 Corvette Roadster

  14. #364
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    Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his long term girlfriend.
    One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.
    His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.
    "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending all your time
    out here in the garage and you should probably consider selling all your cars.

    Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

    "Just for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

    "Ex-wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"

    Tom's reply: "I haven't".

  15. #365
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    ^^^^^^^^ good one! lol

  16. #366
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    This morning, I was offered sex by a 25 year old woman in exchange that I’d advertise some sort of kitchen cleaner for her.

    Of course I said no because of my strong willpower, which is just as strong as Astonish, the super strong kitchen cleaner now available in scented lemon or vanilla.

  17. #367
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    Although Jesus was known as a carpenter. He never actually sang on any of their albums. True fact that!

  18. #368
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    The old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana, watching the sun rise, when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

    He yells out "Hey boy, what'cha got there?"

    Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

    Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
    Boy says "Catch some chickens."

    Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

    Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

    That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

    Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

    Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

    Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape."

    Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

    Boy says back "Catch me some ducks."

    Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

    Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

    That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

    Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a limb off a bush with something fuzzy on the end.

    Old man says "Hey boy, what'cha got there?"

    Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

    Old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat!

  19. #369
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    Two Chinese dudes break into a distillery.

    One turns to the other and says "Is this Whiskey"

    The other says "Yes but not as whisky as wobblin a bank".

  20. #370
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    Received some good financial news today.


    The little African boy i was sponsoring has been eaten by a Lion.

  21. #371
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    I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It’s very rewarding, but quite challenging. – Took me ages to get her husband’s voice right
    96 GTS (# 33, Bone Stock), 66 Mustang Convertible, 66 Mustang Hardtop, 69 Corvette Roadster

  22. #372
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    One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship". As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

    "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

    With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

    "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

    Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

    Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

    He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

    At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

    With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!
    2001 VRY RT/10

  23. #373
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    A mid aged lady becomes addicted to plastic surgery. She loves to get facelifts. in fact, she goes for one every couple years. Right after recovering from her most recent one, sh. "e looks in the mirror and to her horror, see's that she still has bags under her eyes. Dismayed at the poor quality of the job the plastic surgeon did, she makes an appointment to go see him. "Doctor" she says " I just got this new facelift but I see I've still got bags under my eyes! I paid lots for this and want it done right."
    The Dr looks her over a bit, then tells her "well you see, you've had so many face lifts, those aren't bags under your eyes. They're actually your nipples."
    "Oh!" she exclaims. "I guess that would also explain my new goatee...."
    2001 GTS ACR Yellow with black stripes. Heads By JM, ported and polished, 2.02"& 1.6" Valves. Custom Comp Cam. JMB intake, M&M headers 3"SS + cat delete. AKA Minion. My neighbors hate me...

  24. #374
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    HaHa,

  25. #375
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    Elderly couple in church, wife turns to her husband and says

    "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?"

    Husband says "Put new batteries in your hearing aid"

    - - - Updated - - -

    A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked the doctor. "Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow's arse. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake." The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?"
    "I said 'Hey this looks like yours hun!'"


 
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