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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #501
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    A woman, bit upright because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me." Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

    After a short while the husband came home. She could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note...

    After a minute or so, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone. Yeah, I know, about bloody time. I'm coming to see you. Put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

    He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.

    She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes, she grabbed the note to see what he wrote.

    "I can see your feet. We're out of bread; be back in five minutes."

  2. #502
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    Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street.
    As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now" Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window." "Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you." Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those." "I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes." Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.



    Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!" "I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant,













    "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"

  3. #503
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    Latest News in England.....A Muslim has been shot with a starting Pistol

    Local Police are saying it's definitely Race related.....



    When I was a Kid, the gangs used to cover me in chocolate and cream then put a cherry on my head!

    Life was tough in the Gateau.


    I met a Beautiful Girl in the Park today, Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then! God I love my new Taser!
    Last edited by Fatboy 18; 03-04-2020 at 05:51 PM.

  4. #504
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    An Aircraft flying with 5 Passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, the Pope, Nicola Sturgeon (Scottish 1st minister) and a Ten year old School Boy.

    The Plane is about to crash and there's only 4 parachutes!
    The Pope said "I need one, I've got to sort out the Catholic Church" He takes one and Jumps.

    Trump said "I need one, I've got to sort out the USA! He takes one and Jumps.

    Nicola says, "I'm the smartest woman in Scotland" She takes one and jumps.

    Boris turned and said to the Ten year old Boy "You can have the last parachute, I have lived my life, yours is only starting"

    The 10 year old said "Don't worry, there are two parachutes left, the smartest woman in Scotland took my school bag"


  5. #505
    If you survive two waves of pandemic in the same disposable mask - you are immortal!

  6. #506
    My 7 year old tells ít better but hêre goes:

    What happened to the frog that was illegally parked?

    He got TOAD.
    #6 of 11 Roanoke Special Edition ACR Extreme

  7. #507
    Today I cleaned my apartment. It turned out, that little pouffe, which stood near the bed, and where I put my laptop - it is half a bag of cement.

  8. #508
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    My wife asked me today "Are you listening to me?"

    I thought "What an unusual way to start a conversation."

  9. #509
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    Due to new diversity laws, many companies and products will have to change their names.
    If you want to refurbish your trim, look out for “Back to original colour”.
    You will have to buy tyres from “Original dark coloured rubber circles”.
    Hydraulic clutch and brake systems will have a”primary and secondary” cylinders, (instead of Slave and Master).
    Connectors and threaded parts will be either “plug or socket” (not male or female).
    Cars and other methods of transport will be gender neutral.

  10. #510
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    Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

    The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

    The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

    The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day, it keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

    So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery.

    As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
    He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
    She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it, would you like some?”

    Yes please, he said, "I’d like five loaves."
    She said, "My goodness mister, five loaves, don't you think by the time you get to the fifth loaf, it'll be hard?"

    He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me."

  11. #511
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    A group of five Jewish women are eating lunch in a busy cafe. Nervously, their waiter approaches the table. “Ladies,” he says. “Is anything okay?”

  12. #512
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    Ralph - an Ex sailor and Edna - an ex Wren were both patients in a mental hospital.

    One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

    When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

    When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.”

    “The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.”

    Edna replied, “He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home ?”

  13. #513
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    A couple went golfing one day at a very, very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.

    On the third tee, the husband cautioned, "Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair " Of course, she tee'd off and promptly shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

    The husband cringed, "I warned you to watch out now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost."

    They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on in."

    When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window.

    A man reclining on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke the window?"

    "Uh yeah, we're sure sorry about that" the husband replied.

    "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

    "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. "He pondered a moment and blurted out I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

    "No problem, you've got it, it's the least I can do. And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked looking at the wife. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world" she said.

    "Consider it done." the genie said. "And now," they both asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"

    "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

    The husband looked at this wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

    She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."

    The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, as the genie rolled over he looked at the wife and asked, "Tell me, how old are you and your husband?"

    "Why, we're both 35" she responded breathlessly.

    "No s*it! Thirty-five years old and you still believe in genies?"

  14. #514
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    A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three Glasses of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
    When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

    The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
    "You know, a Glass goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

    The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
    So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

    The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
    He orders three Glasses and drinks them in turn.

    One day, he comes in and only orders two glasses.
    All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
    When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

    The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

    "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

    "Hasn't affected my brothers though."

  15. #515
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  16. #516
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  17. #517
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  18. #518
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  19. #519
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    News from Southern Ireland.
    A two seater plane crashed in a Dublin cemetery yesterday.
    Emergency services have so far recovered 221 bodies.
    ...A figure that is expected to rise, as digging continues into the night.

  20. #520
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  21. #521
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  22. #522
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    Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.
    They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
    The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
    The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
    After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: comfortable."
    The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"
    The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull."

  23. #523
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    While WW2 Code Breaker Alan Turing was busy breaking codes his sister, Kay was taking care of coffee, cakes and sandwiches.

  24. #524
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    I could not stop laughing at the picture of the dog with the turkey leg in the shoe - thanks for sharing!!!!!!

  25. #525
    A guy stands on the cash register and puts five bottles of red wine on the ribbon. Five bottles of white wine. Two pink wines. Four champagne. One "Martini". Two cognacs. Three vodkas. And at the very end - seven bags of cat food. A man in the back asks:
    - Cat's birthday?


 
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