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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #476
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    One day in Heaven, Moses and Jesus are having a chat. One says to the other "How do you fancy giong back to Earth for a day just for old times' sake?". The other agrees and so they find themselves relaxing on a boat on the Sea of Galilee.

    Moses says to Jesus, "Do you reckon you could still do miracles?".
    Jesus says, "Of course. How about you?"
    Moses says, "I'm pretty sure that I could as well. How about we have a contest? We each do our best miracle".
    Jesus accepts and asks what Moses thought was hs best miracle so Moses says "Parting the waters of the Red Sea".
    "OK. Try and part the waters". So Moses stands up, holds out his arm and commands the waters to part. A dry path appears from the boat to the shore. Jesus says to Moses, "That's really impressive. Nice one!".

    Moses asks Jesus what he thought was his best miracle so Jesus says "I think walking on water was my best one". Moses says "Go on then", so Jesus steps over the side of the boat - and promptly sinks, Moses grabs His robes and pulls Jesus back into the boat gasping for breath.

    "What went wrong? Why didn't it work?"

    "I don't really know. But I didn't have these holes in my feet last time I tried it".

    - - - Updated - - -

    I had a game of quiet tennis today.
    It’s like regular tennis just without the racket.

  2. #477
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  3. #478
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    Keeping with the animal theme..

    Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
    A: “How do you breathe through that little thing?”
    96 GTS (# 33, Bone Stock), 66 Mustang Convertible, 66 Mustang Hardtop, 69 Corvette Roadster

  4. #479
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    Good ones!!!! Keep them coming!

  5. #480
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fatboy 18 View Post
    "I don't really know. But I didn't have these holes in my feet last time I tried it".
    That was funny. I almost couldn't read it out loud for fear of being hit by lightning... but well played, sir.
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  6. #481
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    A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

    "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!
    "Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

    "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

    "Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later he was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

    "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

    "Just great," he says. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
    "That's great," said the surgeon.

    "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

    "That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

    "Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."

  7. #482
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    A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,

    "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

    "Will you spend this on Car or bike parts instead of food?" the man asked.

    "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't had either of those in over 20 years!"

    "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

    The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

    The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up Drinking, Cars and Motorcycles."

  8. #483
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    The Tomato Garden

    An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey .
    He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.
    His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
    The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

    Dear Vincent,
    I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
    I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
    I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to
    dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
    Love,
    Papa

    A few days later he received a letter from his son.

    Dear Pop,
    Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
    Love,
    Vinnie

    At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire
    area without finding any bodies.
    They apologized to the old man and left.
    That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Pop,
    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
    Love you,
    Vinnie

  9. #484
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    A guy with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large Engineering firm when he left the Army.

    The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry...we can’t hire you."

    "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!"

    "Really? Great! Show me!"

    So he reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

    "Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!"

    "Womanising? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!"

    "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

    "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a Chemist shop, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

  10. #485
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    A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor.
    The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, you need to try to startle or surprise yourself."
    So that same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife.
    That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position.
    The man felt the urge to ejaculate and reached under his pillow and fired the starter pistol.
    The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went.
    The man responded, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

  11. #486
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    A Woman Was out Golfing One Day when She Hit the Ball into the Woods:

    She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

    The frog said to her. "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

    The woman freed the frog, and the frog said. "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes."

    Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

    The woman said. "That's okay."

    For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

    The frog warned her. "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."

    The woman replied. "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

    So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

    For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

    The frog said. "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

    The woman said. "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

    So, ABRA-KADA-BRA-KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

    The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."

    Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

    Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

    Male readers:

    Please scroll down!

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    The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

    Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

    Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

    PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen! Now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love

  12. #487
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    Oooof! Hope your wife does not read that one

  13. #488
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    Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
    A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

    However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

    MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

    The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause:
    When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

    The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."

  14. #489
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    Good one!!!!!

  15. #490
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    LOL... I do say Cah!!!
    96 GTS (# 33, Bone Stock), 66 Mustang Convertible, 66 Mustang Hardtop, 69 Corvette Roadster

  16. #491
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    Figured I would return the favor...

    Q: Know why the British don't make computers?
    A: They couldn't figure out how to make them leak oil!
    96 GTS (# 33, Bone Stock), 66 Mustang Convertible, 66 Mustang Hardtop, 69 Corvette Roadster

  17. #492
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    HaHa, Yes I own a 1977 Triumph Motorcycle

  18. #493
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fatboy 18 View Post
    Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
    A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

    However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

    MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

    The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause:
    When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

    The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."
    I did some growing up in Boston and all I can say is LMFAO! OMG! That is wicked Pissah Bro!

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by daveg View Post
    LOL... I do say Cah!!!
    I’m guessing your remote control is a clickah as well!
    2010 ACR absolutely stock... well... kind of

  19. #494
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    And the First Christmas cracker Joke............. Why does Donald Trump have his Christmas dinner on a plastic plate? He doesn't get on with china. tada!



    My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

    Went out. Had a few drinks. Sound lad. He’s a web designer.
    Last edited by Fatboy 18; 12-12-2019 at 03:12 PM.

  20. #495
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    After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found
    traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
    their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

    Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American
    archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
    "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their
    ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

    One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
    "After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all.
    Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

    Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it!


 
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